I Miss Her

Her face comes to me. Her laugh. The sound of her voice. Her pet words and phrases. Her tiny hands and wrists. And the awful, awful sound of the dirt as it lands on her coffin. They haunt me.

Almost three years later, I grieve. And I grieve harder than I thought possible. I thought I had faced it. I thought I had worked through it. Perhaps in some ways I did but I certainly didn’t work through all of it.

I miss her. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to still be here. But she’s not.

It hurts.

My last trip to South Carolina was the first time I really had to deal with the fact that she is gone. My trips ‘home’ would be different if she was still there. She knows about parts of my life that only a few others know. She was a big, big part of my life. She missing. I miss her so.

Grief is weird. At least for me. Probably cause avoiding it was my way of dealing with it. To have it all come washing over me like this… I just don’t understand it. To really look at the pain, to not allow myself to look away from it. Goodness, does it ever hurt. It doesn’t feel like it’s been three years, it feels like it was yesterday. Sometimes I can hardly breathe cause it hurts so bad. I often find myself crying in my bed at night. A deep ache in my heart comes out of no where.

If it’s taught me anything it’s that grief does not just go away when we try to ignore it. There’s this big hole in your heart. When you finally look at that hole you discover that so much of life has been affected by it. Instead of getting better, it got worse and infected other areas of your heart as well.

It’s also taught me that life is too short to avoid the people you love simply because it’s awkward, socially unacceptable, or you disagreed, or even fought about something. We only get this one chance to love them well. It might be our last chance. If you love someone, hug them tightly. Forgive them quickly if they hurt you. Go out for coffee. Hang out with them if you at all get the chance… make it work. There might be a time when you wish you could see them one more time and you can’t. Those things (awkward, unconventional, disagreements, and the like.) you thought were big things suddenly are seen for what they really are–ridiculous.

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Tea For One

 

I have had this inkling that something is wrong with me for, oh I don’t know, a couple of weeks months. I have some tell tale signs that show up as soon as things get a little off balance inside of me. I think we all do. I am a classic avoider. So it takes me a while to come face to face with the issue itself. I noticed some of the signs but was like, nah, it’s just some weird thing emotionally it’ll go away. Well it didn’t. Err, hasn’t. So here I am months from the incident, actually incidents, finally realizing admitting that something needs to be done.  In all honesty, I hate this. I don’t like facing these things inside of me. I wish I would just deal with them when they happen instead of waiting. Unlike some cheese, pain does not get better left in a dark room to age.

So I am compiling a list of things for my future self to do when [pain happens].


First, acknowledge your pain, don’t ignore it. If it hurts, it hurts. Trying to talk yourself out of a broken leg would never work and it certainly does not work emotionally. I don’t like admitting that things hurt me. To a person who is extremely sensitive, that’s the stupidest thing ever cause hello, we get hurt all the time. Trying to tell ourselves that we aren’t feeling what we’re feeling well honestly, it’s ridiculous. When our hearts hurt, they hurt. It’s ok to hurt. Even if it’s over what some people would consider ‘silly’ things. If it matters to you it’s a big deal to GOD. The other people don’t feel what you feel. They have their own set of issues. Don’t let them tell you what you can or can’t feel.

Second, take that pain to God. Don’t let it sit there inside of you. Tell Him exactly what you are feeling. Ask Him to walk with you in this pain.

Third, examine the situation. If it’s something someone said or did to you then here is an opportunity to forgive, choose to believe the best about that individual, and surrender the situation and the individual to God. I do want to say that I think we miss something incredibly important when we skip the first and second steps of allowing ourselves to feel the pain. I believe we miss something life changing when we skip the third step. I find myself thinking that I just need to forgive because that’s the ‘holy’ thing to do. I decide that I better forgive and move on without acknowledging my pain and taking that pain to God. It’s a ‘holy’ way of ignoring my pain, classic avoiders of pain know all about this. There is something incredibly precious about taking our pain to God and then surrendering the situation to Him through forgiveness.

Sometimes the situation isn’t necessarily something you can forgive. I am thinking of when someone dies, or when God is taking you on a different path then someone else which then causes separation. Those are hard things, don’t be afraid to walk through those hard things. Face them. Feel that pain. GRIEVE your loss. It’s the only way you will heal and it’s one of the most intimate ways to experience God. Don’t explain it away. Don’t look the other way. Look at it. Give God the opportunity to turn your ashes into roses. I do not mean to wallow in it. Walk through it, crawl through it if you have to.

And dear self, when you decide to ignore the pain. Pay attention to the first sign that you have something inside that hurts (pulling away from people).

If you ignore that sign, you absolutely have to pay attention to the second sign (trying to distract yourself with anything and everything, usually being Facebook and Instagram or getting your mom to go shopping and all sorts of things with you)

And if as usual you ignore the second sign, the third one will sit you on your butt really hard and make you deal with it. (panic and fear on every side) Once you get here, be kind to yourself. It’s time to get out your favorite tea pot and mug, makes some tea and take yourself outside. Now begin at the beginning. It’s time to feel, girl, and really feel.


If you need me, I’ll be sitting outside sipping my tea.

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Home Again, Home Again

Well I am back to my Colorado home. I am having a hard time getting my feet under me again. . . It was a really good trip. Crazy. But good. I was able to connect with so many people. Some friends that I haven’t talked to in about 7-8 years. It was so good.

I discovered some of the reasons I am the way I am. That’s always helpful, right? The last time I was in the south I figured out why I talk to people in grocery stores. It gets really odd looks out here sometimes. So I’ve been wondering if I’m just weird, or???  But in the south, that’s very, very normal. When you’re happy about a sale you tell someone. Often a complete stranger.  This time I discovered why I gravitate towards certain colors and decor items. . . I understand more of why my house is the way it is. Also connecting with old friends showed me how those relationships have shaped who I am today. Encouraging your children to make wholesome relationships is no joke. They really do influence who we become.

Meeting with old friends can be tricky, things change. Mostly things like children, marriage, brand new puppies (for real guys, no joke), sometimes just simply the passing of time. Sometimes things work out to meet at coffee shops other times you just meet at a house and let the kids play or nap while you catch up. I am so grateful that even though these changes occur, these people have remained my friends. I am painfully loyal (you know like some people are painfully polite), so friends I made in first grade will still be my friends today. But I know that’s not true for everyone, to see some of these people respond and still want to be my friends means so much to me. Then to connect with them and have it be like old times. Well. . . that’s just really special.  I am blessed.  To those of you who took time to meet me while I was in the south, you will never know how special and honored that made me feel. Thank you for caring. (to those of you it didn’t work out to meet. I totally understand. We’ll hang out next time. This is not supposed to be a guilt trip.)

This post doesn’t even begin to encompass my trip back east. But it’s a little snippet.

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This little girl was a trooper. She only had one very bad day while we were gone, did fabulous on our overnight flight (thank you, Jesus), and kept me smiling.

She had so much fun with Logan. He kept her entertained very well. She giggled with glee at all his antics, her favorite was of course the car ride.

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^See I told you there were puppies involved.

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an open letter to my friend

dear friend,

I see it. I see it in your eyes. The darkness that your smiles and words can’t hide. The terror that someone will find out mixed with the terror that no one will ever care. I see it. Oh, I see it. Not with the eyes of judgement but with eyes of one who has been there. One whose heart is breaking with yours. I know that darkness, I know that fear. I wish I could wrap you up tightly in my arms, I wish I could take you to safety. It hurts knowing I can’t take it away. It hurts ’cause that darkness. . . consumes everything. Not just you and your emotions. It seeps into everything else too, it affects everyone that is near you. The last people in the world you want to hurt, you’re pushing away. It’s hurting them. The darkness is consuming them too. So much hurt. So much pain. Those people you love end up pointing fingers in your face cause they don’t understand. They can’t even begin to comprehend it. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. And the cycle continues. Hurt upon hurt upon hurt. It feels like you’re drowning in it. You want it to end. You have lost hope that it ever will end.

It’s such a hard, hard, dark, dark, terrifying place. I can hardly stand it that you’re there. I feel so helpless. I don’t know how to help.

I want to tell you there is hope, that my God is there in the dark, dark scary places, even if you can’t feel Him. I want to tell you that the people hurting you right now LOVE you more than you can imagine, even though it feels like they hate you. They’re just hurting, trying to fix you, and they don’t get it. I want to tell you that God is a God of hope. There is hope. It’s HIM. Push into Him. Dig deep into HIM. Believe what the Bible says even when you can’t feel it. I also want to tell you that your feelings are your own worst enemy right now. You can’t trust them, you can’t let them define what is truth. You have to make decisions right now. You can feel your sadness, but please don’t believe the lies the darkness is screaming at you. I want to tell you so many things. . . but I am guessing you won’t hear me. Because I have been there. I know what it’s like. Until you believe that I love you and want what’s best for you, you won’t hear a word I say.

So I pray for you, dear, dear Friend. Often. Over and over. Sometimes I don’t even know how to pray. I pray wordless prayers. A lot. I keep reminding myself that my God loves you far more than I do. You’re in good hands.

so much love, Brittany

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p.s. if  you’re reading this open letter and you barely know me or know me extremely well and desperately need someone to talk to. please email me. I would count it a privilege and honor to hear your heart.

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here I sit again.

a very white blank page to fill.

not sure how.

this morning my friend came over to walk with me and hang out for a bit. she’s moving in a couple weeks. . . to ohio. and i am completely blue about it. i’ve tried to be pretty strong and not lose it cause hey if that’s where God wants them that’s where they need to be. but today i just want them to stay. i’m not exactly sure how i’m going to make it with her not around. i certainly will be very less ‘green’ without her influence. she keeps the hippie alive in me. and probably will take less walks. and be sad because she’s a comfortable friend. and she’s leaving.  so there, em. see, I really do love you.

it’s been an up and down sort of week. mostly because of that crazy deer taking an evening stroll down the middle of a very busy highway. quite possibly it’s also related to the post i was going to write but don’t have the heart to actually type it up anymore this week. maybe next week.

also, just checking out the sentence structure of my first full paragraph. wow. that is a thing of. . . well, not beauty that’s for sure.  but hey. that’s what happens when you have to write three times a week. well it doesn’t seem to happen to anyone else. their posts always look great. but they’re not me. this is what my posts look like at 3x’s a week.

i’m feeling lowercase today. can you tell?? tehee, can you imagine if i was feeling uppercase?? i mean, how overwhelming?????? it would look like i’m yelling everything. isn’t it silly how much letter size affects how we “hear” things. oops, i might be cheering myself up. can’t have that.

BUT, y’all, the sun is shining and the sky is blue. The tree’s and grass are a beautiful green. I have some tea brewing. The house is quiet. I got to spend the morning with my friend. I don’t have bad life. Just having a sad day.

because this post is so. . . blah, I don’t think I will post a link to it from my facebook page. I’ll just sort of sneak it on here. 😀

G’day.

Extremely Blessed

Last night on the way home from a birthday party, we hit a deer. Not exactly the way I had planned to spend my journey home. . . I was so sad. 1, I hate to see things die. 2, we just put a lot of money into our little mini van to get it running right.  We’re still not sure if it’s fixable or not. So it might actually be totaled. . . I was upset. Really upset. Not so much that we hit a deer but that God let it happen. I mean we just got the thing running again, we were dreaming dreams, and BLAM. There’s a deer. There go all your hopes and dreams. (Drama Queen, I know, but that’s what it felt like) We were both scared to invest money into the van because we were afraid as soon as we did something would happen. Well looky there, it did. I was not feeling very happy.  Money doesn’t grow on trees, ya know.

I was wandering around my house in a rather dazed and angry state. When all of a sudden it hit me that I was being absolutely ridiculous. If the van is totaled, we lost X amount of money. But that was extremely small when compared with our lives. People have hit deer and ended up in the hospital, and in some cases have died. We were alive. We didn’t hurt anyone else in the accident. Nobody got hurt at all in fact.  My daughter did not seem traumatized by the situation, she just thought we should ‘shoot’ the deer. She didn’t have a melt down or anything. Our van got damaged and may not even be anymore but my sweet little family is all ok. God’s hand was there in that accident. Keeping us safe.  It could have been so much worse.

I am extremely blessed and ridiculously loved.

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^Left overs of Mr or Mrs Deer, there was quite a bit more there last night but it was removed by this morning. OUCH is all I can think.