I Miss Her

Her face comes to me. Her laugh. The sound of her voice. Her pet words and phrases. Her tiny hands and wrists. And the awful, awful sound of the dirt as it lands on her coffin. They haunt me.

Almost three years later, I grieve. And I grieve harder than I thought possible. I thought I had faced it. I thought I had worked through it. Perhaps in some ways I did but I certainly didn’t work through all of it.

I miss her. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to still be here. But she’s not.

It hurts.

My last trip to South Carolina was the first time I really had to deal with the fact that she is gone. My trips ‘home’ would be different if she was still there. She knows about parts of my life that only a few others know. She was a big, big part of my life. She missing. I miss her so.

Grief is weird. At least for me. Probably cause avoiding it was my way of dealing with it. To have it all come washing over me like this… I just don’t understand it. To really look at the pain, to not allow myself to look away from it. Goodness, does it ever hurt. It doesn’t feel like it’s been three years, it feels like it was yesterday. Sometimes I can hardly breathe cause it hurts so bad. I often find myself crying in my bed at night. A deep ache in my heart comes out of no where.

If it’s taught me anything it’s that grief does not just go away when we try to ignore it. There’s this big hole in your heart. When you finally look at that hole you discover that so much of life has been affected by it. Instead of getting better, it got worse and infected other areas of your heart as well.

It’s also taught me that life is too short to avoid the people you love simply because it’s awkward, socially unacceptable, or you disagreed, or even fought about something. We only get this one chance to love them well. It might be our last chance. If you love someone, hug them tightly. Forgive them quickly if they hurt you. Go out for coffee. Hang out with them if you at all get the chance… make it work. There might be a time when you wish you could see them one more time and you can’t. Those things (awkward, unconventional, disagreements, and the like.) you thought were big things suddenly are seen for what they really are–ridiculous.

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Tea For One

 

I have had this inkling that something is wrong with me for, oh I don’t know, a couple of weeks months. I have some tell tale signs that show up as soon as things get a little off balance inside of me. I think we all do. I am a classic avoider. So it takes me a while to come face to face with the issue itself. I noticed some of the signs but was like, nah, it’s just some weird thing emotionally it’ll go away. Well it didn’t. Err, hasn’t. So here I am months from the incident, actually incidents, finally realizing admitting that something needs to be done.  In all honesty, I hate this. I don’t like facing these things inside of me. I wish I would just deal with them when they happen instead of waiting. Unlike some cheese, pain does not get better left in a dark room to age.

So I am compiling a list of things for my future self to do when [pain happens].


First, acknowledge your pain, don’t ignore it. If it hurts, it hurts. Trying to talk yourself out of a broken leg would never work and it certainly does not work emotionally. I don’t like admitting that things hurt me. To a person who is extremely sensitive, that’s the stupidest thing ever cause hello, we get hurt all the time. Trying to tell ourselves that we aren’t feeling what we’re feeling well honestly, it’s ridiculous. When our hearts hurt, they hurt. It’s ok to hurt. Even if it’s over what some people would consider ‘silly’ things. If it matters to you it’s a big deal to GOD. The other people don’t feel what you feel. They have their own set of issues. Don’t let them tell you what you can or can’t feel.

Second, take that pain to God. Don’t let it sit there inside of you. Tell Him exactly what you are feeling. Ask Him to walk with you in this pain.

Third, examine the situation. If it’s something someone said or did to you then here is an opportunity to forgive, choose to believe the best about that individual, and surrender the situation and the individual to God. I do want to say that I think we miss something incredibly important when we skip the first and second steps of allowing ourselves to feel the pain. I believe we miss something life changing when we skip the third step. I find myself thinking that I just need to forgive because that’s the ‘holy’ thing to do. I decide that I better forgive and move on without acknowledging my pain and taking that pain to God. It’s a ‘holy’ way of ignoring my pain, classic avoiders of pain know all about this. There is something incredibly precious about taking our pain to God and then surrendering the situation to Him through forgiveness.

Sometimes the situation isn’t necessarily something you can forgive. I am thinking of when someone dies, or when God is taking you on a different path then someone else which then causes separation. Those are hard things, don’t be afraid to walk through those hard things. Face them. Feel that pain. GRIEVE your loss. It’s the only way you will heal and it’s one of the most intimate ways to experience God. Don’t explain it away. Don’t look the other way. Look at it. Give God the opportunity to turn your ashes into roses. I do not mean to wallow in it. Walk through it, crawl through it if you have to.

And dear self, when you decide to ignore the pain. Pay attention to the first sign that you have something inside that hurts (pulling away from people).

If you ignore that sign, you absolutely have to pay attention to the second sign (trying to distract yourself with anything and everything, usually being Facebook and Instagram or getting your mom to go shopping and all sorts of things with you)

And if as usual you ignore the second sign, the third one will sit you on your butt really hard and make you deal with it. (panic and fear on every side) Once you get here, be kind to yourself. It’s time to get out your favorite tea pot and mug, makes some tea and take yourself outside. Now begin at the beginning. It’s time to feel, girl, and really feel.


If you need me, I’ll be sitting outside sipping my tea.

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