I can hardly believe that it’s 2017 . . . I’ve been thinking over 2016. This January is so different from last January. Last January was rather bleak. I was at a pretty low point emotionally and spiritually. So many parts of my world were not going like I wanted them to. God speaks to me in pictures/visions and he spoke to me one day last January with this picture. He showed me this dark room with lots of different shelves, on each shelf was a ceramic figurine, each figurine representing my favorite dreams and loves. On one was my family. On another my plans for the future. On another was church. On another was my identity, etc. An earthquake occurred and all these precious items were in pieces all around me. I was sobbing, trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together, trying to make them pretty again, when Jesus came into that room, took my hand and led me outside. He showed me this beautiful scene that He wanted to create of my life. Green grass, Trees, a creek, a little path winding through, a gentle breeze. . .it was so much prettier than the shelves full of treasures had been. But in order to experience that, I had to leave my dark room and follow Him, trusting Him that the best was yet to come.
The phrase, “The best is yet to come” is one of the things that helped me get through last year. I gave up trying to fix all the things going wrong. It was sort of a nasty year because of that. But it was a beautiful year. A year that I got to see God work in ways I never thought possible.
The end of February I went for counseling. It’s kinda hard for me to write that because I always thought that I was above counseling. But yes, I am one of those people. One of those broken people that desperately needs help from other people. In so many ways it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It was ugly. It was hard. I had no idea there was so much darkness inside of me. My sweet counselor walked right beside me through all of it and my Heavenly Father showed up with healing only He could bring. Sometime I will write about that experience. . . but it’s far too much to add to this post.
Coming back home was hard. I had to face a lot things. I had to figure out how to live out of the TRUTH instead of the lies. It was hard. Painful. Ugly. But looking back I think it was a little bit beautiful too. In so many ways it feels like I was a ‘better/more holy’ person before I faced all these things. I had it all together. (Kinda) I knew how to make people happy. I knew all the right words to say. I had answers to so many questions. I looked ‘better’ to people observing me. But I was only a fraction of the person I was supposed to be. I am still discovering who I am supposed to be. . . I am a mess inside and out. I have more questions than answers. I am broken. But I am discovering that brokenness brings with it a strange kind of wholeness with it. To be broken and know that there is not one thing you can do to fix it is really the best place to be. God can finally show up there.
One of the most beautiful things of 2016 was the restoration of my family. To be honest when we moved to Colorado, it seemed like all hell broke loose in our family. It got worse and worse until we didn’t want to be around each other. We were these little planets floating around with our atmospheres of hurt and it seemed whenever we got together we would bump into each other and the hurt would spill causing divisions and explosions. It was gruesome. There was this delicate balance in which we could survive each other. But maintaining that was extremely stressful and far from fun. So eventually We just didn’t do stuff together. Last Christmas the last thing we wanted to do was all be trapped in the same house with each other. That restoration I was talking about??? Well this Christmas we wanted to be together. We were together and we had fun, loads of fun. It’s been amazing to see how God has shown up in each of our lives individually, he has brought tremendous healing to each heart. Through that healing our relationships with each other have been restored. It’s been so amazing to watch happen and so wonderful to experience. I know it was all the working of God. Not one of us would be where we are today if it wasn’t for Him. We are still humans and still make mistakes but our hearts are different and that’s what truly makes the difference.
I don’t want to leave you with the idea that everything in my life is perfect. I am still not at that place where everything is beautiful. There are so many things that are still in pieces. I realize that scene God showed me will only reach complete fruition in Heaven. But I am hopeful. As I slip my hand into His and we cross the threshold of this year I am hopeful in a way that I have never been. This year will bring loads of pain I am sure. But this year will also bring loads of ‘best’ in ways I can hardly imagine. I just have to keep my hand in His, letting Him lead me into His ‘best’. So welcome 2017, welcome.