Anxiety has been tracking my every step the last while. Its funny cause as soon as I say that people are like, well what is making you anxious?? Well, actually, it’s not funny because the color red can make me have an anxiety attack right now. If you think that sounds ridiculous. . . I do too. But my brain isn’t itself right now. I was a little too aggressive in messing with my meds. So everything is upside down and inside out and sometimes the way the sun hits the leaves sends me spiraling into another one of those moments of terror. When those hit, they consume you. You don’t want them to be there cause really who wants to feel scared?? So you fight them and fight them hard, you try to think about something else and all you can think of is things that scare you.
I feel on edge almost all the time. My insecurities are just a breath away. I get hit with one of those anxiety attacks– And suddenly, the election, my self worth, the mini grim reaper in the grocery store, the giant spider in my neighbors halloween decor, the scary clowns I read about on Facebook, my daughters sickness, my choices. . . are all towering up in front of me and I am facing a field of giants with enormous spears and horrible looking swords. It takes a split second to go from sane to TERRIFIED.
I’ve been finding that in the moment that terror strikes, fighting it with reason does absolutely no good. In fact the terror lasts at least twice as long if not longer. The only thing that seems to make it go away is to fight it with rest. Which means it HITS me, I relax my mind and body. I have to make a choice to not think about all the giants on that field in front of me and think about my Jesus. Giants tend to shrink when you think about Jesus. and suddenly, the election, my self worth, the mini grim reaper in the grocery store, the giant spider in my neighbors halloween decor, the scary clowns, my daughters sickness, my choices. . . are pretty tiny. Non-exhistant really. Because of Him. His face. His mighty mighty right Hand. Instead of being terrified, I feel brave. Cause I belong to that Jesus.
I can’t make myself NOT have an anxiety attack. The color red may still send me into that terror but. . .
I am brave because I am His.